MEME

This post is going to be all over the place.  I Warn you now.  I've kind of had nothing really to say (or have plenty to say, but don't think anyone wants to hear it).

After reading a ton of blogs, I noticed these MEME things all over the place, but I always wondered who the hell wants to read those random list things about me?  I also wondered if any were *sexual* in nature, cause that might actually pique my interest.  So I googled it, and up came The Edge of Vanilla.

While reading his blog, he'd linked to an article (timely of course for me considering my whole week long crusade) on how to Dominate a Dominant Woman.  The make her beg section, complete and utter rubbish, but the next part "Tell her what you're going to do" was right on the money.  For me.  Along with the "Guide her hands" bit.

Being in control sexually is where I'm at.... always.  Wondering if any guy actually *could* take the lead in the bedroom was a very hot fantasy.  And when I say take the lead, I don't mean with a collar around *my* neck.  GACK.  That's not what I'm looking for at all.  Nor do I want to be humiliated.  Or abused.  But a very firm "you're staying on your back, and taking it" is definitely hot.  For a change.  And by someone you believe means business.  So, no, if you're a sub, you're never going to be able to pull that off for me, because I'll see right through you.

***

I came back to my old house today, and craziness ensued.  My family is here from Ireland until the end of next week.  They leave on Saturday morning.  I hope.  It's been very stressful, and of course, meant that I had to make up with Jules.  However, in the last two weeks I think I've come to realise that what we may have had as kids growing up together, has passed.  And I can't quite figure out if I should let go, or hold on tight.  If it was anyone else in my life, I'd have let go already.

I'm don't want to fall back into that old pattern that we had in the past either.  I think that she's definitely a tad pissed off that I'm doing this blog thing, and I don't quite understand her reasoning behind the sudden interest.  She says she doesn't do well sharing the limelight, which is strange, because I've always felt that I've been the one in the shadows and that she's "the gorgeous red head" and I'm more the girl next door.  And men are always tripping over me, to get to her.

That she brings it up at all is disconcerting, because really, she was a pro-domme because of the money.  Not because she had dirty little fantasies.  Not because she actually gets off on it.  Well she did like being able to use men to do stuff for her, but I don't think that's the same thing.  And she no longer does it.  She no longer even has the site.  Albeit because I refused to keep doing it.  But she could have kept doing her blog.  She has moved on in a different direction in her life, so why all of a sudden is she doing this complete turn around?

She says that she could say the same about me.  For the last 3 years my life has been that of a stay at home mom to my children.  And she's right... Except that no matter what I'm doing, or where I'm at, I'm always thinking about, or craving this lifestyle that I've been publicly blogging about.  The entire time I've been gone, it's never left my head.  Not for a second.  It's my addiction.  It's my dirty little secret.

Just going back home this morning was hard for me.  It was difficult for me to move out of that life, and take my husband and start over, away from it.  The 3 of us, Jules, me and hubby lived there together, with Olivia, our live in sissy maid, who gave up EVERYTHING to come serve Jules.

I walked into the barns this morning and the smell hit me.. not of horses, but of all my dungeon equipment, and my toys that are now out there in storage.  Just waiting.   Opening the doors was like being taken back to early childhood, when you firmly believe in Santa, and can't sleep on Xmas Eve.  That rush when you run to see first thing in the morning, what you've got.

I constantly have this Yin and Yang thing going on inside.  I love my husband more than anything, but then at times, I'm extremely resentful of him, and at times I feel like a totally rotten bitch for making him put up with the shit I want to do.  He hates every bit of it.  Well except the bi-sexual part of me.  I love being the stay at home, soccer mom going to play-dates with my kids, but then I feel like a bad mom when I leave at their bedtime to go out and do what it is that I want to do.  Like beating the shit out of a stranger.  Or riding his face, and cumming all over him.  Humiliating acts.

When the resentfulness sneaks in, I get guilty and lavish them with love and attention.  So we went bike riding on the trail.  Then horse back riding.  My children have never ridden my horses.  Watching all of us together today, you'd never guess that I'm so... fucked up?  Kinky?  Nuts?  Bad?