It's my birthday!!

AND.. I'm looking for an exhibitionist to play with tonight ;-) If that's you, send me an email, or tweet me on twitter!

Oral Sex

I know, I know.. Josh has to do part three, but he actually had to to work today, instead of being chained to my kitchen table ;-)  SO, in keeping with the spirit, I thought I'd share some things with all of you.  Homework if you like.  Any slave should love perfecting this technique, and if not, then he's not the slave for me!

The Ultimate Guide to Oral Sex | 208 Pages | 2,16 Mb

Oral sex is intricate, playful and can give any couple more satisfaction in their lovemaking and in their relationship.Includes everything couples need to know about what turns a woman on and how to give her mind-blowing pleasure; techniques to make oral sex outrageously fun for the woman & the 69 position, using tongue, lips and cheeks, and 50 tips, tricks and techniques.

Download here:  http://uploadbox.com/files/TR3cVIPGWr  or
http://www.easy-share.com/1904095243/The Ultimate Guide to Oral Sex.rar

Next comes The G-Spot & Female Sexuality

http://www.easy-share.com/1904151627/Understanding_The_G-spot.rar

Next.. Super Sexual Orgasm

It's common knowledge that the female orgasm has remained an enigma to men-and sometimes to women themselves. But now a breakthrough discovery by noted sex therapist and bestselling author Dr. Barbara Keesling has at last unlocked the mysteries of the female anatomy.

In her latest book, Super Sexual Orgasm, Dr. Keesling describes a proven set of techniques that will enable all women to not only reach climax easily, but to experience an incredibly intense orgasm that rivals all other erotic sensations. The key to this revolutionary method lies within the cul-de-sac, an ultra-sensitive region in the vaginal canal that once stimulated can regularly trigger explosive orgasms.

By showing women how they can control their own sexual destiny every time they engage in lovemaking, Super Sexual Orgasm opens the door to a lifetime of sexual fulfillment.

Download here: http://uploadbox.com/files/91FGcqkd2Y or
http://www.easy-share.com/1904095242/SuperSexualOrgasm.rar

Female Orgasm Black Book  | Format: PDF  |  Size: 1.84 Mb

You’re About To Learn Secrets That Most Men (And Women) Will Never Know About The Female G-Spot And How A Few Simple Techniques Will Allow You To Give Her Mind Numbing, Leg Shaking Orgasms.

Download here:  http://www.easy-share.com/1903880471/Female_OrgasmBlackBook.rar

How to Make Love All Night & Drive A Woman Mad |   Format: PDF |   Size: 1.84 Mb

Download here: http://www.easy-share.com/1903880472/how2MakeLoveAllNite.rar

How to give any woman an orgasm

Your body and a few tips from this ebook are all you need to help your woman achieve orgasm after orgasm. This concise Guide is a frank and explicit look at the female orgasm and what YOU can do to make it happen again and again.

Download here: http://www.easy-share.com/1903880470/How_To_Give_Any_Woman_Orgasm.rar

Now, get to it!  Impress me with your knowledge!

Recap by Josh Part Deux

It was around 4pm by the time we finished, and Nichole decided that she wanted me to run her a bubble bath, and then wash her while she relaxed with a glass of merlot.  After I'd gotten her hair lathered up with a hot oil treatment, I went to work on washing her back and then massaging her shoulders and neck, which she goes absolutely nuts over.  I love watching her squirm a little because I'm the one used to doing all the squirming in our relationship.

Just as I was finishing up, her doorbell rang, so I ran downstairs to answer it.  At the door were 3 of Nichole's friends, all of whom I'd met several times before.  Nichole is a little unusual in that she basically has two groups of friends - one group are the friends who know all about her sexual preferences, and who are probably doing the same stuff she is, and then the second group of friends are her "mommy" friends, where only a few people know the real Nichole, but no one in that second group would actually participate in her activities.   I've been lucky in that I've been invited into both circles, with the understanding that sometimes I have to keep things on the down-low!

The friends immediately ordered me to get them a glass of wine, and bring it up to Nichole's bathroom.  The girls sat themselves around the tub & told me to go get showered and return later.  As I was walking to the guest bathroom Ms Julie came out of her bedroom & we walked straight bang into each other.  She immediately told me to go to the kitchen and make her a panini, which is what she was about to do, and to make her a juice drink.  I quickly walked off to do just that.  I've realized that with Ms Julie there is no room for interpretation and while she's still recovering I didn't want her to see the bottles of wine that I'd opened on the counter top.

I put together a ham, cheese and tomato sandwich for her, and I'd pushed carrots, beets and apples into the juicer to make her a drink.  While I was doing that I figured I should see if there was anything for dinner that I could get started preparing, but the only thing I could really find besides the sandwich stuff were only apples, arugula, beets and goat cheese, so I decided to chop those up for a nice big salad for everyone.

I ran back upstairs with Ms Julie's dinner & she invited me into her bedroom.  I put her tray exactly where she told me, and then fled back downstairs to pick up the wine bottles, and bring those back upstairs to Nichole's bathroom.  When I went in, the girls were all spread out on Nichole's big king sized bed, giggling & chatting.  They were happy to see me with the wine, but not so happy that I wasn't showered and ready to go out for dinner.

Nichole told me to strip in front of everyone.  Only one of these friends have ever seen me nude before, so I was a little scared intimidated to just let loose.  However, I knew I didn't have an option.  Nichole has these big comfortable chairs in her sitting room that sit around a table & she told me to get under it.  The girls then took a seat, with their legs spread wide, and no panties on.  I knew immediately that I was going to have to service each of them.  My cock immediately sprang to attention & all I could think of was how damn lucky I was!  I spent over an hour lapping 4 different pussy's until I was sure everyone had cum at least once.  My face was covered in slippery cunt juice, and I loved wiping it in one of the girls hairy pussy's, while prying her lips apart with my fingers so that I could suck on her little clit button.

My cock was dripping precum again, and I knew that if I had to eat pussy much longer that I was going to spray my load all over myself.  When I came back to Nichole's pussy again, she took her feet and wrapped them around my cock, and slowly began to jack my cock off while I spread her wide open, and shoved my tongue up inside her cunt, and rubbed my nose all over her clit.  I saw her grip the side of her chair, and felt her big muscular thighs contract and close around my head as she got ready to cum.

I sucked and licked her until she sprayed her cum all over me again.  She then told me she needed to pee, and that I had to put my mouth all around her cunt, and not allow any to spill on her expensive Persian rug.  I got into that position, again with her feet wrapped around my cock, and very slowly and deliberatly she started pissing in my mouth.  I adore how she can hold it and let go, then hold it again, and let go some more.  Just as her feet squeezed tight around my cock, I let loose with yet another spray load of cum, all over Nichole's pretty feet.

More to cum...

Did you like this post?  Buy me a cup of coffee!

Recap by Josh

Mistress Nichole has my legs cuffed to the front legs of the chair, wearing nothing but a cock ring.  I asked if I could tell all of you what has happened in the last 24 hours or so, so here goes:

I arrived yesterday at around noon & Nichole was waiting impatiently for me.  (She hates anyone who is not on time & was convinced that I was going to be tardy).  I had about 2 minutes to spare when I rang the door bell.  I had no idea what Nichole had in store for me, because we don't necessarily play everytime we get together.  Sometimes I just come over and paint her nails, or give her a massage, or cook for her.  Other times we go shopping, or out to eat with her & her friends, and mostly I get to hang out and be in her presence, which believe me is enough.  More often or not, Nichole comes to my house just to be pampered & to get away from the everyday stuff that takes place in her life.  I love it when she comes over because I get to shower her with kisses & massages, cook for her, or let her take out her aggression on me.   I'd say that Nichole and I are best friends, with benefits ;-O

When I walked in the door of her house in Columbia, she was wearing the most awesome black zippered high heel shoes that screamed fetish.  A short black dress with studs down the side where the zipper is & she was wearing the reddest lipstick I've ever seen.  I followed her into the kitchen, the sound of her heels click clacking across the wooden floors.  Her girlfriend Shawn was in the kitchen mincing up mint for mojitos & I've met her several times before.  Shawn dabbles in BDSM, but is really more a woman who just loves sex in all it's forms.

Nichole put me to work quickly, cleaning up the kitchen, and taking out the trash.  After I was done, I was allowed to join them for a drink.  Shawn being from Miami, makes the BEST mojitos ever.  Afterwards Nichole told me to strip and get into her panties, bra and slip which she'd left for me in the guest bedroom upstairs.  When I went into the room I saw a bag from V.S with lots of pink and pastel tissue papers overflowing from it.  Immediately this gave me a hard on.  I didn't use to like wearing women's underwear, in fact it was never ever a fantasy of mine, but over the years because of Nichole, I've gotten really into it.

Nichole came upstairs and watched as I opened the bag.  Inside were 3 boxes,all wrapped with bows around them.  I felt like a kid in a candy store, or a bride at her shower perhaps!  In the first box was a matching Bra & panty set.  In the next box several pairs of stockings, and a chemise to match the bra and panties.  In the last box was a petticoat or slip.  Everything was black with a cream lace trim bordering everything.  It was classy and felt luscious in my hands.

Nichole unzipped her dress & allowed it to fall to the floor, where she then just stepped out of it.  She was wearing an identical set of lingerie, and it looked amazing.  I love the fact that Nichole isn't built like a stick, but instead has the most wonderful curves, and strong thighs, and long long legs, and a chest that overflows from most of her bras.  She told me to hurry up and get into it, while she climbed into the bed & pushed back the covers.

I did not need any prompting.  I had the stockings, panty, bra and slip on in no time, and was laying next to her in seconds.  Well maybe minutes.  Nichole immediately slid her legs up and down against mine, and then moved herself on top of me, but butt first ( she was facing my feet, and her ass was facing my head).  She slowly and deliberatly slid her body backwards towards my head, all the while her legs slipped and slid over my body.  Pretty soon she was riding my mouth, with nothing but the panties covering her snatch.  I could smell her getting wetter, and I sucked harder.  All the while I was trying very hard to get my tongue under the panties so I could put her clit in my mouth and suck her off to orgasm.  She finally got so hot and bothered that she sat up, and pulled the panties right off, and then rubbed her cunt all over my mouth, which was by now flooded with her juices.

She could see my cock poking up through the panties, and could also see the pre-cum glistening on my cock.  She took her nails and dragged them over the front of the panties, and up over my cock.  She squeezed my balls, and ran her nails over the inside of my thighs, watching my cock jump up and down all over the place.  Using the panties and her hand, she started to milk my cock slowly up and down, while I tongue fucked her hole, and she rode my face.  I could sense her getting close to orgasm, and I knew that she when she's this turned on she usually squirts mountains of juice all over the place, and that made my cock even harder.  She'd milk me, and then take the cum from the tip of my cock, and rub it between her fingers, and then rub it over her pussy, it was sooo fucking hot that within minutes she was cumming all over the place & so was I.

End of part 1.. more to follow.

Last night.. quickie.

OMG I had so much fun dancing & drinking and getting major attention pointed at my long legs & sexy high heels. Every guy in the place made it a point to come up to me and either try to cop a feel of my feet, or tell me how much they were digging on my legs.

I was happy to oblige & get mucho foot rubs, because after all that dancing in high heels, my toes & soles were a wee bit sore!

It's also so nice to hear compliments, I wonder why people don't offer them more freely the rest of the time...hmmm

Unfortunately on the way home I got zapped for doing 89 on 270S by a state trooper, but a lovely state trooper, who hadn't the foggiest idea of what to do with my N.Irish drivers license, so instead, he jokes with me that I should be doing MPH, not Kilometers per hour... and then talked about recruiting me into the force by giving me some literature about joining up.... Hmmmm...

The 2nd pull over was by 2 MoCo cops who followed me basically from Rockville center, then thru the drive-thru at Micky D's to get some french fries, then into my driveway, with the explanation that they basically pull everyone over at 2.30am on a "weeknight" & when I said I wasn't speeding, they replied they knew, that it was the longest and slowest ride to my house ever!!! Oh & who knew you weren't allowed to drive without shoes?? I mean that seems much safer than me driving with the wicked 5" heels I wore out. Right?

Surprisingly I feel full of beans this morning. I think this not really going to bed to sleep when you come home drunk, really negates getting the hangover. Or maybe I just got it banged outta me from hubby, who was dying to know if I hooked up with any of the guys there?

Listening to:  Gavin DeGraw - I'm in love with a girl,  Mamma Mia - Honey, Honey, Adele - Crazy for you.

Objects that go up the ass...

Mike came over last night to hang out and watch AI with me.  He's a bit of a foot man, and has a thing for sucking my toes, and I love nothing more than having a strong man, massage my feet & give me a pedicure.   After I'd grabbed my box of nail polishes, buffers, lotions etc., I went off to use the bathroom.  While sitting down and peeing I couldn't help but notice my tampons which I'd had to use a few weeks ago when I'd had a particulary heavy and long period.  A wicked thought came into my head... maybe Mike should know what it's like to have a super sized tampon inside of him... Hmmmm ;-)

I wiped, stood up and straightened my skirt, then flushed the toilet.  I grabbed a super sized tampon out of the box (those are meant for overnights, or particulary heavy bleeding).  When I walked back into the family room, Mike was already on the floor on his knees, waiting patiently for me.  He was wearing a new pair of panties that we'd bought a few weeks prior, along with a cute and frilly sage green and pink babydoll nightie that came down just to the top of his panties.

I was smiling wickedly I guess, because Mike started to ask what I was thinking, whenI brandished the tampon.  Mike has only had a pinkie finger up his ass once before, and I figured this was a nice step up ;-)  I made him unwrap it, and then I offered him some of my foot lotion to lube it up a bit.  I then commanded him to shove it up his arse.  Once it was firmly up there, I jiggled the string a little to make sure it was nice and secure.

Then I settled down in the couch, and put my feet into his lap, and told him to get to it.  I relaxed as Mike took off my old nail polish and then plopped my feet back into the bubbling hot foot bath.  While my feet were getting clean, Mike went to work on massaging my legs.  Next, out came one foot, which he massaged with lotion before drying my toes individually, to prepare them for nail polish.  I get quite a tickle out of looking down and seeing this manly guy with a high powered career kneeling in front of me, while wearing a ridiculously feminine outfit.

Mike did a fabulous job of painting my nails - he's had lots of practice!  After he'd cleaned up everything, I allowed him to come back, sit on the couch and worship my feet while I relaxed and laid back, dreaming of  islands in the sun, thinking about the hot sun baking down upong me, and wishing I could just take off to Cancun or someplace tomorrow.

When Mike sucks my toes I have incredible mini orgasms, that pulse right through my body.  They feel delicious!

Facebook..

God it's addicting. Who knew they had all sorts of kinky groups available!!??

Anyway, I joined (msnichole_2002@yahoo.com) and love doing quick status updates - much easier than logging into wordpress and blogging!!

Spent today outside enjoying the sunshine, and playing with turtles. Don't ask.

Currently getting my toenails painted, while watching AI8. Boring. Might even go to bed early tonight....

Night Night... yawn..

St. Patricks Day...

St. Patricks Day... perhaps the only day of the year that makes me miss home.  I miss my friends, the familiar accents & easy banter, the wide open spaces filled with green green grass, and fields full of sheep, cows and horses.  I miss the smiles and hellos from complete strangers as you walk down the street, and the easiness of our public transportation.  Trains every 10 minutes, bus stops all over the place.  I miss that people think nothing of walking a mile or two to the shop and back.  I miss the home cooked meals... it's hard to find a good home cooked meal in the U.S.    I miss junk food, like real Cadbury chocolate, Double Deckers, Crunchies, cheese and onion McCoy crisps, Pickled Onion monster munch, and real sausage & baked beans.

Today, unfortunately is not the only day of the year that I thank my lucky stars that I got out of there.  I hate the depressing gray days that can go on for what seems like an eternity, with that awful drizzle of rain, the gail force winds that can remove slates from roof tops.  I can't stand the dysfunction that seems to lurk everywhere, and the lack of motivation that is prevalent all over Ireland.

It makes me sad that my good memories are starting to fade.  I've been here in the US the same amount of time now that I was born and raised over there, and yet I still can't shake the bad memories.  I can't explain to my husband, or my family, why I won't take a vacation back there.  They just don't get it because I've kept so much suppressed.   They wanna know why I bought a 2nd home in Greece, and not in Ireland.  How do you tell your loved ones about horrific stuff that happened in your childhood, stuff that when it bubbles to the surface of my memory makes the hairs on the back of my  neck prickle, and puts me into a cold sweat.

This post has absolutely nothing to do with this blog, and I get that most of you come here to get your rocks off, but today, I needed to get this off my chest.  I almost wish that *I* hadn't had to take part in group therapy with Julia, as part of her recovery program, because, I'd given myself amnesia about almost everything.

Listening to:  The Tossers - Siobhan, Gaelic Storm - Kiss me I'm Irish, The Script - The end is where I begin, Kid Rock - Run off to LA.

Pussy Lapper..

Last night was my first time in a very long time seeing Sean.  I'd forgotten how much fun he is to be around.  We'd exchanged a few text messages around 3pm that day, and in the last one that I sent to him, I told him to be ready for me at 5pm, which means him clean as a whistle, naked and kneeling by the front door.  I of course was late.  I showed up around 5.30pm and pounded on his door.  I was happy to see him getting up off his knees, and that when he opened the door his cock was rock hard, just the way I like it!  I slipped my own cock leash around it, and led him into his living room.  He'd got it all nice and tidy, fire roaring in the fireplace, and candles burning softly around the room.  I could see where he had a bottle of red wine open and ready to go.

My entire purpose for the evening was to invite one more girlfriend over to his place, to watch American Idol (I know, I know.. I can't help it)... drink some wine, and get serviced.  Sean has an amazing tongue.  It's long, quick, and keeps me wet forever and ever.  Anyway, we spent an hour getting reaquainted with one another, and waiting for my girlfriend to show up.  She'd been at the gym playing badminton, and when she arrived, she was covered in sweat, with her workout clothes sticking to her.  Sean couldn't believe his luck....

Sean attended to dinner, and made sure our glasses were topped up while she and I caught up on each others day, and by 7pm we were sitting down at his dining table, with Sean serving us a delicious shrimp & pasta dish.  By 8pm she and I were both on the couch, and Sean was at our feet.  Not for long though, because all day I'd been imagining that amazing tongue getting me off, multiple times.  It was definitely hard in parts to keep the focus on AI8 because he's that damn good.  After I couldn't cum anymore he went to work on my sweaty friend, and I was pretty interested to see if this would be something he'd be into or not.  Oh boy was it ever his bag.  He couldn't stop inhaling the smell of her knickers, soaked through with sweat, and he lapped at those for a good half hour, with his cock in a constant state of dripping pre-cum.  It was like he was savoring every last drop of her wetness.  When the panties finally came off, he really went to town, although to be honest, I was so sleepy after my many orgasms, I wasn't paying much attention to them.

After AI8, I made him jerk off for us.  I totally love to see a guys face when he's been told he can finally touch his rock hard cock, and then knowing that this most intimate thing is something he has to do in front of us, just makes me woozy at the knees!  It didn't take any time at all until he was shooting cum into his hand.  Totally a fun, spontaneous, not planned evening, and I loved every minute of it!

25 things you might not know about me...

I was tagged to do this.  You should also in your comments section do your own 25 things.  (Or even 5 things).  I'm curious to see what your responses would be!

1. It's very hard for me to focus on more than one thing at a time, soooo... if I'm into something, I'm usually ALL into it. Definitely an all or nothing kind of girl, and that's something that I don't really like about me. (Looking at Vacation places in either Cancun or the Bahamas is my newest addiction).  I was also just diagnosed as "mixed state" Bi-polar.  WTF?  So I'm coming to terms with that. On one hand I can see why my Dr's could think that, by looking at some of my symptoms, but  FWIW I think I just like to have fun, and then sometimes I don't.

As it's just been within the last two weeks, it's all very new to me, and I personally don't know much about it, but I'm hoping that the therapy sessions will help out.  The meds, well they've had me on a roller coaster ride.  Most of the time I'm so sedated, I'm crawling into bed at 9pm.  I hope this part wears off soon.

2. I love men who play violent sports. Hence the number one reason I married my husband. It's also why my ex (an ex- MMA & UFC fighter, turned Defense Attorney is still my best friend).

The other part of me also loves men who are completely girly, gentle, emotional, sensitive & caring to a fault, which is why I can't stay away from certain submissives.

3. I have had a career in the "adult entertainment industry". I also used to design high end pay-per-view pornography websites for a living, and I also owned a "stripper/hooker/swingers boutique". For the first 3 years I had children & was a "stay at home mom", I was horrified by all of this, but now I'm alright with it.  I realize that this is who I am.  For good or worse, this has and always probably will be, a big part of who I am.

4. I HATE talking on the phone. I hate listening to voice mails even more. Emails, VM messages usually go unanswered, and I don't care. I figure that those that really need to reach me, will know how. The only thing I'm prepared to do is text, blog or  Twitter, cause I can do it on MY terms.

5. I'm a little too truthful. I don't tell lies.  In fact friends say I'm too blunt, or too forth coming, and that sometims I don't have a filter.  I'm bi-sexual, and I've had 3-somes and 4-somes. I used to think I'd love 2 or 3 "wives", but now I can't help but keep thinking I'd like 2 or 3 husbands.  My current husband is patient, with awesome morals, rough & tough, and always top dog, but then I'd like a very handy one who can fix and build things around the house, and then a more sensitive one, in touch with his feelings and feminine side, who'd want to go antiquing, or meditate with me....   I'd like husbands #2 and #3 to be open to the dominatrix side of me, allowing me to use them as I see fit.  Think "Big Love" but the opposite, and refer back to #1 on the 25 things list.

6. It's very, very hard for me to make good friends. Once I start disclosing things about myself to them, they usually put their own personal morals & judgments, and their own hangups or issues upon me and my life. This is a tough line to straddle, because 1, I'm truthful, and probably don't have much of a filter, but also because I feel like I've got to compartmentalise lots of my life into tidy little boxes.  Therefore, besides my husband, there's no one else in my whole life who knows *everything* there is to know about me.  I think at times this makes me feel a little lonely.  Especially when I need an ear.

I'm regretful that I've ever placed my own judgments onto anyone else, and I've spent time trying to repair those relationships. My husband - well he'll do absolutely anything for me. We met in 1993 and we've been married since 1994, and I've almost been with him longer than I was with my parents. Still when he touches me, I feel his warmth and love. He's definitely not perfect, nor am I, but I feel lucky every day to have him in my life.  I'm not sure that he's my "soul mate" though, or that any one person ever could be.

7. All of a sudden, I'm easily overwhelmed. When my kids' exuberant screams reach a decibel level my ears can't tolerate, when Chuck E., the life-size "rat" at the pizza place, starts doing his jig while flashing arcade lights blind me, or when I open my email to find 100+ messages--I feel a meltdown coming on.

8. I'd do anything for my friends, and I'd give complete strangers the clothes off my back (or even move  said new friend, in to one of my spare bedrooms). I *wish* that I wasn't so generous, because it always bites me in the ass, and has now made me cynical, which is a feeling that I don't like having. I always want to see the good in people, and believe in Karma. So perhaps I'm doing these things for the wrong reasons to begin with, trying to improve my own Karma, instead of doing them "selflessly" and without expecting *anything* in return. It's something I'm trying to work on.

9. I wish that I could be more patient & more forgiving. I can hold a grudge for a really long time, and I'm super stubborn. Yuck.  I also try hard to balance the demanding bitch, with the serious, fun, warm caring part of me.  Or leave one at the door.  I guess I'm multifaceted, but sometimes can't always keep it in check.

10. I love being outdoors with my children, and exploring new places. I love seeing the look on their faces when they see something new to them. It makes my heart fill up and puts a big smile on my face. I love to watch the kids on the playground screaming with laughter about the silliest things. Completely invested in make-believe worlds, totally in their bodies, and overflowing with sensory awareness--that's the way to live.

If I've had a bad day, with an hour of nature, I go from being a bossy, opinionated, angry, cynical, uptight, crazy person into a bossy, opinionated, cynical, relaxed person. And that makes the difference between having friends, lovers, and a husband to have dinner with and a world that tells me to go eat a frozen dinner by myself because they don't want to catch whatever it is that's up my arse at that time.

11. I can't stand when my children whine. It's like nails on a chalkboard, and makes me want to literally rip my hair out. Instead of putting them in time out now, I put myself in time out, and lock the door.

Something even worse is when grown submissive men do it.  It blows my mind how whiny and self absorbed, some submissive males can be.  I understand that YOUR submission to me is a gift, BUT, it should be a gift that is devoid of expectations, or clauses.  You should also realise that any submissive I've taken on, knows that I've clearly communicated to him, what it is exactly that I want out of our particular relationship.  Don't go whining after YOU'VE excepted my demands & regulations.

12. I'd like to be more "earthy" and learn how to meditate, and I want to try hot yoga, and spiritual bathing.  Four times a year I do a "cleanse", but hate how it breaks me out in zits (like today). I want to spend more time balancing my life, mind, body, & soul, and making sure my children know how to do the same.

I'd like to make sure that I only involve myself with submissives who themselves are a positive influence on my life.  I'm sick to death of meeting subs, and watching how their negative energy can just suck a person dry.

13. If I'm feeling low, one of the best ways I know to perk up is to have a blast going out with my best friends for a night on the town. Loud music + exercise + adrenaline + mild social anxiety = guaranteed mood elevation.  The other way is to get a sub and have him orally service every part of my body from the tip of my toes, up to the top of my head.

I've been depressed since Summer ended, and can't seem to get out of this funk that I'm in.  I've tried the "" going out and having fun thing, and that hasn't worked, but I haven't felt like doing the sub thing, so it's been missing from my life for a while now.

I don't understand what it's going to take, to get me back into it.  Maybe writing this stupid list will do it.  Maybe it won't.

14. I cannot organize anything. Which sucks, because I can't remember anything, therefore when I put my keys or purse down wherever, I totally can never find them. If I was organized, they'd be in a basket by the door. Or something.  Why did I get ADD and not ADHD - I wouldn't always have to fight with my weight.  I'd be scatterbrained, but at least running everywhere.  Why did I get ADD and not OCD - my personal belongings wouldn't exist in piles on the floor of my closets, or stacked on top of the dryer.

15. When I write things down, I stick to them. Why then don't I write them down?  Why do I love to blog, but then spend months avoiding it like the plague?

16. I want to be a great gardener, but I'm too lazy to dig the holes, and stay up on the watering. I spend hours reading gardening books, and have high hopes to have a beautiful Irish / English garden, and hate that I just can't get it together. Every minute I spend in the garden makes me feel great, so why can't I create the little oasis that I want or envision?   I want these raised beds put into my garden, and my pool has a leak, but will I get on the phone and call someone to come fix or do it?  No.  I'm just not able to sit down and spend the 20 minutes it's going to take to do that.  WTF?

17. I love to dance with my children. In high school my friends and I used to sit for hours making mixed tapes for each other. Now it can all be done with a couple of mouse clicks, but the impulse is still great--to share the soundtrack of your life with someone you love. As you play it, it becomes shared background music for both your lives. I love sharing it with my children, and I make  friends and lovers CD's all the time.

I have blared the soundtrack of "The Phantom of the Opera." Pretending to be the phantom with a cape and a mask, I have twirled around our living room, swinging my kids in my arms. I belted out every word of "The Music of the Night."

"Softly, deftly, music shall caress you, Feel it, hear it, secretly possess you...."

The gorgeous song--like all good music--could stroke that tender place within me that words couldn't get to.

18. I am an Atheist, but more as it pertains to my not liking "organized" religion or the stories that they preach. I don't believe in many of the ways of the "church", but I'm spiritual in that I believe there is a higher power (the universe), and that everyone should try to do their best, every day, and nurture those less fortunate than themselves. That initially led me to becoming a foster care parent of teenagers for 6 years, and through that, led me to adopting a special needs child born premature with FAS, drug addicted, on the autism spectrum scale, and who I knew not many other people would want, given the chance. I've had him at home with me since he was released from hospital at 4 weeks old.

For me, going for a long walk in the woods, or hiking  a state park & listening to all the sounds of nature around me, is more my idea of "going to church".

19. I haven't had a vacation by myself since before my kids were born. My oldest - my son is 4 years old!  This is the year I plan to start doing it again. I am the type of person who really needs some time off from my children, not only for my own sanity, but to allow my children to see that they can be independent little people too.

20. I'd like to be more open to making good friends. They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it also takes a village--at best a supportive community, and at the least a few very good friends--to keep a person sane and happy. I don't think I've been "sane & happy" for quite a while, and really would welcome new friends and lovers to come  into my life.

21. I have been having panic attacks and a lot of anxiety recently, and I realise that I need to spend more time deep breathing.  Breathing is one of the simplest ways to transform energy, and it's an exercise that I need to do more often. I place my hands on my heart and feel my heart moving as I breathe deeply. This is calming, and feeds the energy of love, peace, and harmony throughout me, and works as well as a Valium.

Looking clearly at my extended family I can see patterns of behaviours that all point to addictive personalities, possible bipolarness and general "dsyfunction", which I can acknowledge, but definitely do not want for my own family.

22. I have so many things to get rid of on craigslist or ebay, and I'm just overwhelmed by it all. It's filling up every room in not just one house, but two, every closet, even our two car garage (which can't even hold one car, let alone two).  Clothing from size 4 to size 18.  Kids stuff.  Porn stuff.  Fetish stuff.  It's all here, and it's weighing me down.

23. I completely zone out by gluing, and coloring with my kids, or being creative and making hair clippies for my daughter, or going to a girls night out to "scrapbook".  It puts me into this Zen like state, but then I think how totally "uncool" it makes me, so I don't do it. I mean, really me = scrapbooking?  WTF?

24.  I hate that I struggle with weight issues.  I despise that currently as of today, I've gained about 40lbs since around March of last year.  That's just horrendous to me.  I know that there are women out there who really pile it on, and are snapping pictures of it, but really I'm not one of them.  I'm not personally attracted to it, and I've never actually met a man who embraced a fat chick, nor have I ever found a submissive man who had a "fetish" for it!

I believe that for me, weight comes down to health, and currently I just don't feel healthy.  Not feeling healthy probably makes me depressed, and therefore I don't go do the things that I really enjoy doing.  Therefore it's like this vicious circle

25.   I can't think of anymore to tell.