25 things you might not know about me...

I was tagged to do this.  You should also in your comments section do your own 25 things.  (Or even 5 things).  I'm curious to see what your responses would be!

1. It's very hard for me to focus on more than one thing at a time, soooo... if I'm into something, I'm usually ALL into it. Definitely an all or nothing kind of girl, and that's something that I don't really like about me. (Looking at Vacation places in either Cancun or the Bahamas is my newest addiction).  I was also just diagnosed as "mixed state" Bi-polar.  WTF?  So I'm coming to terms with that. On one hand I can see why my Dr's could think that, by looking at some of my symptoms, but  FWIW I think I just like to have fun, and then sometimes I don't.

As it's just been within the last two weeks, it's all very new to me, and I personally don't know much about it, but I'm hoping that the therapy sessions will help out.  The meds, well they've had me on a roller coaster ride.  Most of the time I'm so sedated, I'm crawling into bed at 9pm.  I hope this part wears off soon.

2. I love men who play violent sports. Hence the number one reason I married my husband. It's also why my ex (an ex- MMA & UFC fighter, turned Defense Attorney is still my best friend).

The other part of me also loves men who are completely girly, gentle, emotional, sensitive & caring to a fault, which is why I can't stay away from certain submissives.

3. I have had a career in the "adult entertainment industry". I also used to design high end pay-per-view pornography websites for a living, and I also owned a "stripper/hooker/swingers boutique". For the first 3 years I had children & was a "stay at home mom", I was horrified by all of this, but now I'm alright with it.  I realize that this is who I am.  For good or worse, this has and always probably will be, a big part of who I am.

4. I HATE talking on the phone. I hate listening to voice mails even more. Emails, VM messages usually go unanswered, and I don't care. I figure that those that really need to reach me, will know how. The only thing I'm prepared to do is text, blog or  Twitter, cause I can do it on MY terms.

5. I'm a little too truthful. I don't tell lies.  In fact friends say I'm too blunt, or too forth coming, and that sometims I don't have a filter.  I'm bi-sexual, and I've had 3-somes and 4-somes. I used to think I'd love 2 or 3 "wives", but now I can't help but keep thinking I'd like 2 or 3 husbands.  My current husband is patient, with awesome morals, rough & tough, and always top dog, but then I'd like a very handy one who can fix and build things around the house, and then a more sensitive one, in touch with his feelings and feminine side, who'd want to go antiquing, or meditate with me....   I'd like husbands #2 and #3 to be open to the dominatrix side of me, allowing me to use them as I see fit.  Think "Big Love" but the opposite, and refer back to #1 on the 25 things list.

6. It's very, very hard for me to make good friends. Once I start disclosing things about myself to them, they usually put their own personal morals & judgments, and their own hangups or issues upon me and my life. This is a tough line to straddle, because 1, I'm truthful, and probably don't have much of a filter, but also because I feel like I've got to compartmentalise lots of my life into tidy little boxes.  Therefore, besides my husband, there's no one else in my whole life who knows *everything* there is to know about me.  I think at times this makes me feel a little lonely.  Especially when I need an ear.

I'm regretful that I've ever placed my own judgments onto anyone else, and I've spent time trying to repair those relationships. My husband - well he'll do absolutely anything for me. We met in 1993 and we've been married since 1994, and I've almost been with him longer than I was with my parents. Still when he touches me, I feel his warmth and love. He's definitely not perfect, nor am I, but I feel lucky every day to have him in my life.  I'm not sure that he's my "soul mate" though, or that any one person ever could be.

7. All of a sudden, I'm easily overwhelmed. When my kids' exuberant screams reach a decibel level my ears can't tolerate, when Chuck E., the life-size "rat" at the pizza place, starts doing his jig while flashing arcade lights blind me, or when I open my email to find 100+ messages--I feel a meltdown coming on.

8. I'd do anything for my friends, and I'd give complete strangers the clothes off my back (or even move  said new friend, in to one of my spare bedrooms). I *wish* that I wasn't so generous, because it always bites me in the ass, and has now made me cynical, which is a feeling that I don't like having. I always want to see the good in people, and believe in Karma. So perhaps I'm doing these things for the wrong reasons to begin with, trying to improve my own Karma, instead of doing them "selflessly" and without expecting *anything* in return. It's something I'm trying to work on.

9. I wish that I could be more patient & more forgiving. I can hold a grudge for a really long time, and I'm super stubborn. Yuck.  I also try hard to balance the demanding bitch, with the serious, fun, warm caring part of me.  Or leave one at the door.  I guess I'm multifaceted, but sometimes can't always keep it in check.

10. I love being outdoors with my children, and exploring new places. I love seeing the look on their faces when they see something new to them. It makes my heart fill up and puts a big smile on my face. I love to watch the kids on the playground screaming with laughter about the silliest things. Completely invested in make-believe worlds, totally in their bodies, and overflowing with sensory awareness--that's the way to live.

If I've had a bad day, with an hour of nature, I go from being a bossy, opinionated, angry, cynical, uptight, crazy person into a bossy, opinionated, cynical, relaxed person. And that makes the difference between having friends, lovers, and a husband to have dinner with and a world that tells me to go eat a frozen dinner by myself because they don't want to catch whatever it is that's up my arse at that time.

11. I can't stand when my children whine. It's like nails on a chalkboard, and makes me want to literally rip my hair out. Instead of putting them in time out now, I put myself in time out, and lock the door.

Something even worse is when grown submissive men do it.  It blows my mind how whiny and self absorbed, some submissive males can be.  I understand that YOUR submission to me is a gift, BUT, it should be a gift that is devoid of expectations, or clauses.  You should also realise that any submissive I've taken on, knows that I've clearly communicated to him, what it is exactly that I want out of our particular relationship.  Don't go whining after YOU'VE excepted my demands & regulations.

12. I'd like to be more "earthy" and learn how to meditate, and I want to try hot yoga, and spiritual bathing.  Four times a year I do a "cleanse", but hate how it breaks me out in zits (like today). I want to spend more time balancing my life, mind, body, & soul, and making sure my children know how to do the same.

I'd like to make sure that I only involve myself with submissives who themselves are a positive influence on my life.  I'm sick to death of meeting subs, and watching how their negative energy can just suck a person dry.

13. If I'm feeling low, one of the best ways I know to perk up is to have a blast going out with my best friends for a night on the town. Loud music + exercise + adrenaline + mild social anxiety = guaranteed mood elevation.  The other way is to get a sub and have him orally service every part of my body from the tip of my toes, up to the top of my head.

I've been depressed since Summer ended, and can't seem to get out of this funk that I'm in.  I've tried the "" going out and having fun thing, and that hasn't worked, but I haven't felt like doing the sub thing, so it's been missing from my life for a while now.

I don't understand what it's going to take, to get me back into it.  Maybe writing this stupid list will do it.  Maybe it won't.

14. I cannot organize anything. Which sucks, because I can't remember anything, therefore when I put my keys or purse down wherever, I totally can never find them. If I was organized, they'd be in a basket by the door. Or something.  Why did I get ADD and not ADHD - I wouldn't always have to fight with my weight.  I'd be scatterbrained, but at least running everywhere.  Why did I get ADD and not OCD - my personal belongings wouldn't exist in piles on the floor of my closets, or stacked on top of the dryer.

15. When I write things down, I stick to them. Why then don't I write them down?  Why do I love to blog, but then spend months avoiding it like the plague?

16. I want to be a great gardener, but I'm too lazy to dig the holes, and stay up on the watering. I spend hours reading gardening books, and have high hopes to have a beautiful Irish / English garden, and hate that I just can't get it together. Every minute I spend in the garden makes me feel great, so why can't I create the little oasis that I want or envision?   I want these raised beds put into my garden, and my pool has a leak, but will I get on the phone and call someone to come fix or do it?  No.  I'm just not able to sit down and spend the 20 minutes it's going to take to do that.  WTF?

17. I love to dance with my children. In high school my friends and I used to sit for hours making mixed tapes for each other. Now it can all be done with a couple of mouse clicks, but the impulse is still great--to share the soundtrack of your life with someone you love. As you play it, it becomes shared background music for both your lives. I love sharing it with my children, and I make  friends and lovers CD's all the time.

I have blared the soundtrack of "The Phantom of the Opera." Pretending to be the phantom with a cape and a mask, I have twirled around our living room, swinging my kids in my arms. I belted out every word of "The Music of the Night."

"Softly, deftly, music shall caress you, Feel it, hear it, secretly possess you...."

The gorgeous song--like all good music--could stroke that tender place within me that words couldn't get to.

18. I am an Atheist, but more as it pertains to my not liking "organized" religion or the stories that they preach. I don't believe in many of the ways of the "church", but I'm spiritual in that I believe there is a higher power (the universe), and that everyone should try to do their best, every day, and nurture those less fortunate than themselves. That initially led me to becoming a foster care parent of teenagers for 6 years, and through that, led me to adopting a special needs child born premature with FAS, drug addicted, on the autism spectrum scale, and who I knew not many other people would want, given the chance. I've had him at home with me since he was released from hospital at 4 weeks old.

For me, going for a long walk in the woods, or hiking  a state park & listening to all the sounds of nature around me, is more my idea of "going to church".

19. I haven't had a vacation by myself since before my kids were born. My oldest - my son is 4 years old!  This is the year I plan to start doing it again. I am the type of person who really needs some time off from my children, not only for my own sanity, but to allow my children to see that they can be independent little people too.

20. I'd like to be more open to making good friends. They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it also takes a village--at best a supportive community, and at the least a few very good friends--to keep a person sane and happy. I don't think I've been "sane & happy" for quite a while, and really would welcome new friends and lovers to come  into my life.

21. I have been having panic attacks and a lot of anxiety recently, and I realise that I need to spend more time deep breathing.  Breathing is one of the simplest ways to transform energy, and it's an exercise that I need to do more often. I place my hands on my heart and feel my heart moving as I breathe deeply. This is calming, and feeds the energy of love, peace, and harmony throughout me, and works as well as a Valium.

Looking clearly at my extended family I can see patterns of behaviours that all point to addictive personalities, possible bipolarness and general "dsyfunction", which I can acknowledge, but definitely do not want for my own family.

22. I have so many things to get rid of on craigslist or ebay, and I'm just overwhelmed by it all. It's filling up every room in not just one house, but two, every closet, even our two car garage (which can't even hold one car, let alone two).  Clothing from size 4 to size 18.  Kids stuff.  Porn stuff.  Fetish stuff.  It's all here, and it's weighing me down.

23. I completely zone out by gluing, and coloring with my kids, or being creative and making hair clippies for my daughter, or going to a girls night out to "scrapbook".  It puts me into this Zen like state, but then I think how totally "uncool" it makes me, so I don't do it. I mean, really me = scrapbooking?  WTF?

24.  I hate that I struggle with weight issues.  I despise that currently as of today, I've gained about 40lbs since around March of last year.  That's just horrendous to me.  I know that there are women out there who really pile it on, and are snapping pictures of it, but really I'm not one of them.  I'm not personally attracted to it, and I've never actually met a man who embraced a fat chick, nor have I ever found a submissive man who had a "fetish" for it!

I believe that for me, weight comes down to health, and currently I just don't feel healthy.  Not feeling healthy probably makes me depressed, and therefore I don't go do the things that I really enjoy doing.  Therefore it's like this vicious circle

25.   I can't think of anymore to tell.